Christmas Eve!

And I am excited!

Julia and I should have a great day. It's our first actual Christmas together, because the last two years I was getting to see her on Christmas day and then we would celebrate Santa coming to Dad's house on the 26th. So this year makes it so so special. I got her the Cinderella table and chairs and a whole bunch of other stuff as well. Today I will spend wrapping the gifts and I am going to call Lori soon to see if she wants to do a little Christmas lunch (the poor kid is at work!). Julia will arrive after church with her mom, and then we are going to bake cookies, write letters to Santa, open the fireplace, and prepare for Santa's arrival. It should be and will be GREAT. Then after Julia goes back to her mom's on Christmas Day, Ali is heading over and I cannot wait to see her. Her and I and Tina are all headed out on Christmas night for what should be a helluva time.

I am so happy to have Julia here today, but I wish I had someone special to share this day with. Christmas without a special someone in my life kinda sucks.

Sara and I are back to talking and I am actually beginning to feel a bit bad. This girl simply adores me, is falling in love with me, and it is a crying shame as I just don't feel the same way. I know -- KNOW -- that I could have everything I ever wanted with this woman -- the love, respect, adoration, kinkiness, the sex, everything -- but I just don't have any passion for her and am simply not that physically attracted to her. It actually pisses me off a bit. She is coming to visit in January and we are going to hang out for a week, so I guess we'll just go from there. I could have the complete package with this girl. But, it's just not there. Sigh.

I sincerely hope you all have such a wonderful Christmas. Thanks for listening over the past few months and for your emails. They mean more to me than you know. May God bless you on this very special day.

Remember: You don't find love. Love finds you.

My Oh My.

Wow.

My mind is ALLLLLLLL over the place today. We'll get to that in just one second though.

Julia and I had such a good weekend. She is SUCH a good little girl for me. SUCH a good girl! We went ice skating on Saturday and just had a blast. We made it around the rink two times this year, same as last. :) I was holding her up under her arms and then I would skate and it was like she was 'flying'. We got a few nice pictures out of it, saw Tina and Gina there, and had a pretty good time. Although I am sore as fuck today, my back is all messed up after being Jimmy Hunchback on the ice there for a while holding that kid up! By my God man, lemme tell ya, it felt GREAT to have the skates on again. I actually took notice of how good they felt on me, and I haven't felt like that in a while. Maybe it's time to skate a little more. The picture you see is actually taken above the skating rink we skated at. Not bad :)

The rest of the weekend was pretty good. Friday night her and I went to the grocery store and stocked up, Saturday was skating and then we went for a drive at night to look for houses with good Christmas lights (there really weren't too many), and today was bathtime fun and playing. I took her back to her mom's house, and she will be here tomorrow for Christmas Eve. We had a countdown going this weekend of how many days left it was until Christmas, and she woke up both mornings in my bed, which I didn't mind one bit. I told her that it makes Daddy so very happy when I open my eyes in the morning and she is there smiling at me. :) Bless her little heart. Sure it is hard sometimes being a parent by yourself (and I DID feel lonely this weekend, more on that later), but wow is it worth it. Just the way she looks at me or things she says just brighten my light and make me smile from the heart. It's amazing what your child's love can do for you.

Now onto some other stuff.

I miss Marilyn. At least I think I do.

I've been feeling really alone recently. I went out on Thursday night and got SHITFACED, I really did. First time in a while as well, I just don't drink much anymore. Sara and I got in an argument and while she is very nice and very kinky, she is very clingy and got pissed at me because I didn't talk to her when I was with my friends, and then I didn't answer my phone. I like her, I do, but I know there is no long-term potential there as I am just not super-crazy physically attracted to her. And that is a shame. But hey, I can't help that. More on this later.

So anyway, Marilyn gets my Christmas card and texts me to thank me, and of course I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. I talked to my friend from Greece and we got to talking about her old relationship that she had when she was here, and how much in love she was with him, and how our relationships paralleled each other. One of the first things she said to me is that 'passion like that only comes around once in a lifetime', and it literally scared the hell out of me. I guess that is where all this is coming from. Marilyn said the exact same thing to me the last time we saw each other, and now Caren from Greece says the exact same thing. I guess I am feeling in that I know I don't feel that way about Sara, and therefore and am going back / thinking about the one who I DID feel that way about. I'm thinking about Marilyn and wondering is she is the 'love of my life', and that is another downright scary thought. What if she is? In our subsequent texts (Marilyn and I have not spoken, it's all been thru texts), she claims that she 'cannot talk to me that often' because 'it's not good for either of us'. And she's right, lol. It's NOT. But I am afraid (and I have felt this way before) that Marilyn and I are missing out on something special. I wonder how she feels about me. Does she not love me? Does she love me but knows it is too much of a hassle (?) to be involved with me as we are so far apart? I don't know, I really don't. In retrospect, still, Marilyn has a lot of growing up to do, still sowing her wild oats so to speak (or maybe that's the kind of life she really wants), but still, I can't help thinking about her, caring about her, even though over the years we have had SO many ups and downs that it is sick. We've hurt each other (her more than me), but sometimes it just makes you stop and think, ya know? I wonder if I am actually still in love with Marilyn or actually in love with the feeling and joy of being in love. Big difference.

I really don't know what else to say. I had Julia this weekend and although she fills so many voids in my life, I still felt very alone. Sara is just so far away, and I want and need someone HERE with me. It's nice to have friends and everything, and I do have a great week planned, but my God man, I WANT someone to share my life with. Maybe the more I think about it, maybe I am just chasing the feeling of being in love than the actual person in Marilyn.

Lori is so downright cute. We hung out on Thursday and I think I am going to surprise her tomorrow and bring her / take her to lunch as she has to work and I don't. We've talked and not only are we going to watch the PSU bowl game together on Saturday, my friend Bob's band is playing and Lori is having a few friends in town as well. So, lol, it turns out it'll be me and 5 girls on Saturday night watching the game and going to see the band upstairs afterwards. THAT should be fun, lol. Oh, and it turns out Lori is going to have New Years' Party as well, which is perfect. And with Ali coming to town and her and I and Tina going out on Tuesday, yeah, it should be a pretty good week. Hopefully, one way or another, something good (yes, that kind of good) will come from this week with all this female interaction. But you know what they say: when you are looking for love it never finds you. Jesus. Looking for love. What a pussy I am. Or a romantic. Or an idiot. How about all three?

I'm going to go see National Treasure: Book of Secrets tonight. Should be cool. Six bucks man, can't be it. Yes, alone.

2008 is going to be the best year of my life. More on this later.

Remember: Friendship often ends in love, but love never ends in friendship.

Whooooo! That's FUNKY!

So why is it that when you meet a beautiful woman, and I mean BEAUTIFUL, that she is with some STROKE? I'm outside, and this literally happened one minute ago, sitting down and having a smoke and this girl and her friend are walking my way and her friend sits down. So we get to talking and long story short, I couldn't BELIEVE that this idiot in his LSU hat, flannel shirt, ripped jeans and dirty boots had this unbelievable girl on his arm. Then her friend proceeds to tell me that he treats her like complete shit, curses at her, drinks like a fish, the whole nine yards. Man, it literally blew me away. Maybe I should just become a dirty scum, look ugly, become a drunk and be an asshole to women, as it seems that's the only way to score with a hottie. Nice guys do indeed finish last. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, what's going on my friends? Oh - stupid me accidentally deleted all the comments from my blog. Nice job, moron. Sheesh. Sorry everyone. Anyway, I've been feeling pretty good recently and here is just a quick update for you all to let you know what is going on.

Julia and I had an awesome time last night doing all of the Christmas cards. They are getting mailed today, and I am going to finish her Christmas shopping as well. We had a blast eating cheeseburgers and doing the cards and singing Christmas carols. I am SO glad I have her Christmas day, as it is going to be a hard one. I HATE being alone on this day, absolutely hate it. It's better than previous years though, when I didn't have Julia, and my girlfriend at the time was too married to actually spend the day with me. Marilyn and I went together for 4 and a half years, and we NEVER spent one single Christmas together. I can remember Christmas days during that time period that I spent completely alone. Completely alone on Christmas fucking day. And wow, that's a very sad and heartbreaking thought. She sure loved me, didn't she? Anyway, I have the Mouse for Christmas morning and I couldn't be more happy. Then, that night, me and Tina and Ali are all heading out. Should be fun and I guess I won't be alone after all.

The Philadelphia Eagles have been officially eliminated from playoff contention. What a terrible year. Nothing worked right for us this year, but I believe McNabb will be back next year and they will be half-decent. They need to fill some holes (especially WR) and the defense looks pretty good. The Eagles are the only NFL team with a losing record that has outscored its opponents, and they rank fourth in the NFC in both total offense and total defense. They are 1-5 in games decided by four or fewer points. That's just awful. Ugh.

How about one Mike Richards?! Fuckin sweet! My favorite Flyer gets a TWELVE YEAR contract, worth 69 million. I am so happy that he is going to be a Bum for the next dozen years. I have followed this dude since his days at Kitchner and have been putting him over ever since they drafted him. Sumbitch has 16 goals already this year and plays such a complete game. He is talented and MEAN. My kind of player, so happy that he is gonna be in the orange and black for a LONG time.

Sara and I are getting a long great and it looks as if she is going to visit in January. Should be cool. We talk alot and it's nice to have someone to care about me and respect me. She 'adores' me, so she says. We have come to find out, now get this shit, that her and I were married on the EXACT SAME DAY. Same month, same day, same year. Unbelievable. We talk about a wide variety of subjects, she is very bright, and she is also very kinky. Not a bad combination at all. :)

So I went to therapy last week and it went pretty well. I won't see her until after the holidays. I told her that I have been talking to Stacey again, and also told her that I saw and forgave Marilyn. Yeah, she was kinda blown away. I explained to her what I heard, my mindset, and what happened (see below). She told me that I have grown SO much in the past few months, and that I am doing so well. Nice thing to hear :)

I think that's about it. The Mouse is spending the weekend which should be a lot of fun. Heading out tonight for gifts, heading out tomorrow to party, and then the weekend, then Christmas. Wow. Time flies when you're living on the edge of a lightning bolt :)

Remember my friends: To the world you may be just one person, 
but to one person you may be the world.

Brrrrrrrr!!!! + E-A-G-L-E-S!!!!!!!!

Wow, did the temperature DROP here! It's 42 degrees right now, and just downright BRRRRRRR! Froze my ass off this morning, and what a change from the 80s we were having last week. At least it is still bright and sunny outside. It's supposed to be just a few days of this cold, then back up to the high 60s/low 70s by the end of the week. I know, what a pussy I am.

E-A-G-L-E-S! EAGLES! Fuck yeah! Good job Birds, putting down the hated Dallas Cowboys -- in Dallas no less -- yesterday afternoon. Our playoff chances are slim at best, but I am proud of the way they played (especially the defense). Just a lot of bad breaks and too many mistakes this entire year, and in all seriousness, this team is a handful of plays from being 8-6 (or dare say 9-5) rather than 6-8. But, that's football. Can someone please explain to me how in the hell the New York Giants are 9-5? I watched some of that game last night at that fucking team is absolutely atrocious. Scary bad. They should be, seriously, 5-9. Way to roll over and die last night you bunch of gutless pukes. Fuck the Giants. And the Foreskins. And the Cowboys too.

There are rumors going around that the Flyers are going to approach the NHL in doing a New Year's Day outdoor game next year like they are doing in Buffalo this year (should be cool). The Bums want to do it at BEAVER STADIUM, which of course would be unfucking believable. A friend of mine who follows PSU very very closely stated that he doesn't think there is a snowball's chance in hell of it happening, but my GOD would that be awesome. I would fucking walk.

I'm doing all my Christmas cards and plan to have Julia sign her name on each one, although I don't know if she is up for a project like that. I am going to finish them up tonight and have her sign them, and out in the mail they go. I did pretty good, I got digital prints for 15 cents a pop from the fuckin' Walgreens and dropped them in each card. Not too shabby. Did you know stamps are 41 cents each now? Where the hell have I been?

Sara and I have been getting along just fine. We talk quite a bit on the phone and I can tell the girl is super into me. She treats me with a lot of respect and adoration which is very nice although sometimes she can be a bit clingy. She is an extremely filthy girl, which is just perfect, and probably, sexually, the best relationship fit I have ever had, and really it's not even close. There are still some things I am not sure of, and she seems to be in a transitional phase in her life, so I have to keep an eye on that. We really have had a lot of the same life experiences and we talked about past relationships in depth last night for quite a while. Just what we experienced and what we learned from each of them. Very insightful and it was a very good conversation. She's a cool chick, although I must say that I am nowhere near as physically attracted to her than I was a certain other someone who treated me terribly. Hmmmm. Isn't that ironic?

I went out on Friday night with Lori and Mary and had a very good time just the three of us. I really didn't drink that much but woke up with one FUCK of a headache on Saturday. I know, what a pussy. So I meet this girl at 2:10am and they are literally kicking us out of the bar. Lights on, the whole nine yards. Great. I got her phone number and would have really liked to hang around and got to talk with her but alas, it was not to be. Sexy little miniskirt and just awesome legs. Awesome. I picked up a girl in less than 90 seconds. Not too shabby at all. :)

That's about it on this end. Not too much else going on. I pick up the Mouse from ballet a bit later and then Christmas cards tonight, finish Christmas shopping this week, and that's that. Ali from Seattle is coming in on Christmas Eve and her and Tina and I are supposed to go out and party on Christmas night. I can't wait to see her. Should be a good Christmas. AND Lori stated that she is having a New Year's Eve party, which is kickass. I am set for the holidays.

Have a good day everyone.

Remember: Love is like war. Easy to begin, but hard to end.

Welcome Aboard!

Look who's back in town!

Well we made it, all in one piece. Julia and I arrived safely back home yesterday (or was it two days ago?) after a long, crazy trip and I must say it is good to be home. The weather here has been beautiful (it was 78 when we stepped off the plane and it registered 81 here yesterday) and it's so good to feel the sunshine again. Let's dive right in, shall we?

My grandpa has made it! He actually pulled through and is alive and doing, well, OK, which is much better than we all expected. One of the days my dad went up to the hospital and there he was sitting up in bed. He even sat in his chair and took a few steps later in the week. And here I thought I was going up there for a funeral. But the tough ol bastard pulled through and is doing much better. Everyone was in, like cousins too, because well, we really thought this might have been the end for him. But alas, tough as nails, he pulled through. He was so happy to see Julia and it was great to see him sitting up and carrying on. Good stuff and I know he is going to have to do some rehab and stuff but I am just glad he is semi-close to being OK. :)

Julia and I watched Shrek on the way up in the plane and geez, the kid knows every word to the movie (hmmmmmmmm). We walked off the plane and I could feel the coldness already. We had a hard time finding my mom but when we did Julia ran to her and gave her such a big hug and kiss and it was a nice sight. We got in the car and off we went to home, but of course we had to stop for lunch at the mall which turned out to be a two-hour ordeal. Wow, was it COLD. I had that kid bundled up so much I swear she was like the kid from 'A Christmas Story'. It was so good to arrive and just BE HOME, ya know? Julia played with all her toys by the Christmas tree with Grandma and those two were like peas in a pod. I went out Thursday night with my brothers who seem to be doing good, well, as good as can be expected. We had a great time on Thursday night (hell, and Friday night too) and it was good to just chill with them and talk shit and be completely ridiculous, which I am so very good at. Stevie is anxious to get out of town which, well, I don't know if I agree with. I mean, sure, I understand that he doesn't want to be stuck here and that he didn't do all his work to stay in NEPA, but still, him moving away (even just a few hours) worries me because I mean, what if he gets sick? I guess we'll see what happens as I really have no control over it.

On Friday we all went to the mall and Julia got her picture taken with Santa. We spent a good chunk of the day there and I know Julia and Grandma (hell, and me) had a good time in the Disney Store. Julia was so sweet as she got to ring the Salvation Army Christmas Bell they always have there as she gave them a dollar for the 'poor people'. I got to take a nice nap after we got home and headed out with Stevie and Matt again although we couldn't find the Bums game (grrrrrrrrrr!). Saturday was Christmas and Julia loved all her great gifts. We all went out to breakfast which was awesome and then I got to nap again, hell, we all did. Saturday night we went up great-grandma's house and had some fun up there; Julia showing us her ballet. So funny that kid is, bless her heart.

Quick Julia story: so we are on our way home and our flight was through Charlotte. So we are boarding on the second plane and I look down at the tickets and realize that Julia and I are not sitting together. We board and before I even get to our seats, I explain to the stewardess the situation and asked her if I should ask people to move or will they take care of it. She says that we'll wait for everyone to board and then take care of it and for us to stand up there with her. So of course Julia starts talking and the pilot comes out and Julia gets to see the cockpit, and then the stewardess goes to her 'would you like to do my job today?' and she was like 'sure!'. So the stewardess tells Julia that it's now her job to greet the people as they come on the plane. So Julia is saying 'Welcome Aboard!' and waving her little hand to everyone as they are coming on the plane and of course it was priceless! I was BEAMING with pride because everyone put her over and just how cute she was. Made me so proud. So sure enough, they switched people around, Julia and I sat together, and we were up and down and back home within 45 minutes. Nice. :)

So I woke up on Sunday morning and began my trek to meet Sara. We arrived at the same time in our designated spot and I just had a great time with her, she looked great. I really like her and we get along great and had a lot of fun. She is a little bit shorter and a little bit heavier than I expected, but that is neither here nor there. The girl simply ADORES me and well, truth be told, it was probably the best night of sex in my entire life. We were WILD and she was very talented, ahem. We went out shopping to the mall and she bought a pair of very sexy boots (!) and just had a very good time. I wasn't nervous at all and was in a good mood so I was being silly fun sexy guy and she just ate it up. After getting back to the hotel and getting a post-orgasm short nap in, I got all dressed up and we went out for a great dinner and just talked for quite a long time. And then .... well, let's just say that we didn't sleep all night long. Seriously. Yeah, it was that hot. All. Night. Long. She could NOT keep herself off of me (in one way or another), and I wasn't complaining one damn bit. I figured it out and I was up for 34 hours in a row (yikes!). It sucked leaving and she REALLY hated to see me go. I can tell she is a bit clingy but I have already put her in her place twice and I think it is something I can control. She's a great kid, she really is. A very bad girl which of course is right up my alley. We'll see how this all develops but I have my foot on the brake already so hmmmmmmm. :)

How about the Philadelphia Flyers? Not bad at all, huh?! Kicked the holy SHIT out of the gay Penguins last night and I must admit I loved every single minute of it. They beat us every time last year, and so far this year, we have beaten them every single time. Nice. Jeff Carter popped Ryan Malone in the face a good half dozen times, and that pussy Colby Armstrong got his ass beat by Hartnell. A fight-filled emotional game which was fantastic and it was great to squash those assclowns again. Crosby is such a whining pussy and Richards challeneged him to fight but nah, that ain't happening. Nice jobs Bums, keep it up. Oh and speaking of other Philly sports teams, how the hell can you be 7th in the NFL in offense, 10th in defense, and be 5-8? My god. On the brighter side, it's 65 days till the open of spring training and the opener is March 31st. Goooooooo Philly Sports Teams! lol :)

So I get an email from Lori stating that her and Scott broke up on their trip to Colorado. Oh realllllllllly, is that so? (for the full story, just read below) And she also mentioned that it seems like she hasn't 'seen me in forever' and wants to get together soon. Oh reallllllllllllly? Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!! Actually the three of us (including Mary) might do a Beef's/Brittania uh-oh night on Saturday if they don't go away. We shall see.

Oh -- get this shit. So I am back to work yesterday and am doing paperwork in my office and all of a sudden I hear a big screech outside my window. I am waiting for the ensuing collision sound but instead I hear just a THUD. I race over to the window and I look out and see a sight I will never forget: there is an infant laying in the middle of the road. Without even thinking, I RACE down the 8 flights of steps (I swear I never touched one) and bolted out there. A mom holding her infant child and walking with her 8 year old daughter got popped walking across the street. The mom is bleeding and the 8 year old is going nuts so I tried to console her and tell her that everything is going to be OK. It was a huge commotion and there was a lot of blood although the mom (and the baby) weren't hurt that bad. They took them to the hospital and the security guard informed me that they kept the baby overnight as a precaution after they stitched up the mom. The windshield of the car that hit them was alllllll fucked up and I think the mom popped it with her face, she had a lot of cuts. Well let me tell you, this FREAKED me out. I am not afraid to admit that I got a little upset about it because my god, all I could think of is MY kid getting hit like that. It UPSET me and I had a hard time calming down afterwards. I did see Julia yesterday and it was so good to see her and just give her a big hug after a very emotional and scary experience. They are all going to be OK, but still, that image of the baby lying in the middle of the street will be an image I'll never forget it.

I think that's about it. I'm kinda tired and really didn't sleep well last night as I went to bed wayyyyyyy too late. Oh -- Marilyn texts me last night and tells me she thought about me twice today, once when she heard about Trebek and then when her friend played 'Catch The Wind'. I respond back that I only thought about her twice today as well, which wasn't too bad. Brilliant response, and a truthful one at that. Thinking about it, Marilyn's look combined with Sara's devotion and sexual prowess? Imagine the possibilities! Wow!

OK, back to work. Well, not really.

Remember: These days people seek knowledge, not wisdom. Knowledge is of the past, but wisdom is of the future.

Grandpa, Pigeonholing, Forgiveness, and much more...

Well, that tough-as-nails grandfather of mine is still alive and kicking. I hope to God he can make it just one more day as Julia and I are arriving there tomorrow. My mom thinks that he is just trying to hang on to see her one more time. I'm pretty sad about all of it, I really am. I'm worried about my dad bigtime as this is just emotional hell for him. My brother Matt got leave from the military so he is headed in as well; he will pick us up from the airport which is cool. Considering everything going on, we are all going to try and have the very best weekend possible.

I'm packing as we speak and getting as much ready as I can before I pick up the Mouse in a few hours. I did a shitload of laundry and am pretty much ready to go. Julia and I will pack her stuff tonight, wake up tomorrow, have breakfast, and off we go. My mom said it is cold there but not too bad, but who knows, I am such a big wuss when it comes to the cold anymore I'll probably freeze my ass off. Julia of course will be all nice and warm in her pink winter jacket. :)

Let's talk about the weekend past, shall we?

Overall it was such a great trip. I had SO much fun and it was great to see a lot of people I haven't seen in such a long time. I miss those guys, I miss those fun times. I honestly feel slighted in that I really didn't get to have that much fun back when I was involved because I was so busy running things and doing so much shit. The wrestling shows back then were a tremendous amount of pressure, a tremendous amount. Now, it's completely different. I enjoyed myself SO much and had so much fun just partying and spanking girls and just flatout being ridiculous. I looked great, felt sexy, and just had a blast.

So, I'm on my way down to Tampa driving through the state of Georgia and flipping thru the radio stations. Nothing good, nothing good. So I stop at one when I hear someone talk about forgiveness. It's obviously some holy station, some preacher. I never stop on shit like this but for some reason I did. He was talking about forgiving people for their actions and how we cannot judge people so quickly. He stated that sometimes we do not know the entire story, and how God expects us to be like him in forgiving people that have done wrong to us. Wow, it was pretty intense and it really struck home. He was saying that we should not judge people, and accept them the way that they are. And I swear it was like a light came on in my head. I understood what this faceless guy was telling me. I had tears in my eyes and was thinking about all the people in my life that I have heat with because of one reason or another. I didn't want to live with that hatred and heat, and have it fester inside of me as that is just not good for the mind, body or soul. I made an important decision right there.

I picked up the phone and called Sara.

I was so quick to dismiss this person who obviously cared a lot about me. I felt that I needed an explanation of what happened to her that day she was in the ER because she was going to hurt herself to make things right. Needless to say, she was shocked to hear my voice. I asked her flatout what happened that day, and she told me. She told me that she had an appt with her therapist and the therapist wasn't there. She was having a very bad day, stuff with her roommate, her father and family that I really didn't know about as she kept it from me. She told me that she didn't want me to think that she 'had a knife in her hand' (hmmmmmm), that it was just a very bad day and the therapist's asst sent her to the ER. They did nothing for her there and sent her home within the hour. Now, I'm actually beginning to feel bad. I mean, Christ, it sounded just like the ordeal I went through just a few short weeks ago when I ended up in the side of the road in my car just fuckin sobbing and had to drag myself into the doctor's office. I was SO quick to pigeonhole this poor girl because of the experiences I had with Marilyn and that ordeal that I really didn't realize the individualness of each situation. I told her that. I told her about that horrific experience with Marilyn and I told her that I wasn't being fair to her because I automatically grouped her situation in with hers. That's simply not fair and I felt terrible about it when I realized what I was doing. We kept on talking and I could just tell that I hurt this poor girl because of my actions (or lack thereof) and I asked if she would forgive me for being such an asshole. She said she understood where I was coming from and did not blame me one bit for acting the way I did, although she wished I didn't. So, we kept on chatting and wow, we certainly do have a lot in common. I told her that I was headed down to Tampa for the weekend and that I would be in contact with her when I got back. So, to make a longgggg story short, her and I are talking again. I really like this girl. We connect on so many different wavelengths and have gone through many of the same life experiences (happy, not content!). I am being VERY careful though as I really don't know if she is just saying stuff that I want to hear, or that she is truly genuine. Time will tell. In fact, we plan to meet on Sunday in New York for the very first time. It should be interesting to say the least, and I must admit that it feels SO good to have someone who I really connect with, who thinks the WORLD of me, and has a lot of respect for me and my values. Big change, actually. Plus -- PLUS -- to add on top of that, she is a downright filthy girl and thinks I am the sexiest thing walking. :) So wish me luck, who knows where this one will go but I have to take that chance and meet this girl face to face to see if the chemistry is there like I think it might be. :)

The trip down was a complete bitch and took a lot longer than I expected. So I stop for gas somewhere around Daytona Beach and there I see Marilyn's shit in the backseat. I brought her stuff to give to her and I didn't know how I was going to do it, kinda like a one last fuck you. But as I am driving, I am thinking about what that preacher said. I decided right there that no matter how bad this girl hurt me, no matter how bad she broke my heart and did terrible things to me, I am going to forgive her. I thought about all the good times and all the bad times with Marilyn over the course of 4+ years. I needed closure on this and I did not want to be hateful towards her anymore, because that is not the kind of person I am. I made up my mind to forgive Marilyn, and whatever happens, happens. I ended up seeing her on Friday afternoon when she went to lunch and she was shocked to see my face to say the least. I told her that I wanted closure on this, that I didn't want to carry this around inside of me anymore. She stated that she was so very angry with me about all of the truly rotten things I said to her. She stated I was there to make sure that she didn't hate me, and I quickly corrected her by stating that I was there to make sure that I didn't hate her. And I don't. Things didn't work out and that's life. She'll regret it for many many years to come, but I can't change her or make her love me. We went to lunch and she talked about going to DisneyLand with Wart, and I told her about Sara. I told her that I just don't see her being very sexually attracted to Wart, and I can pretty much figure out that their relationship is not very passionate. She then said that 'passion like ours only comes around once in a lifetime', and that stuck with me, I still don't know how to take it. It was very weird to say the least but I told her that I did forgive her. I told her that this was between HER and I, no one else. Between two people, HER and I. One of the very weird things she said to me is that she plans to have a baby sometime when she is 32, her upcoming birthday in May. I found that to be a very odd statement, but considering her situation, I can see how she wants to do that. She asked if I wanted to get a drink after work, and I said no. In subsequent emails afterwards, I told her that I do forgive her for her actions, and I do. She cannot get over all of the hateful and mean things I said to her, and that is OK. Isn't it interesting that I forgave her for her ACTIONS, and she cannot forgive me for my WORDS. Marilyn was always the type of person who put more substance into words anyway. Say one thing, do another or act in another way. Oh - and in true classic Marilyn fashion, she denied stating 'wake me with lickins', which I course laughed out loud about. It's ok, dear, spin the story however you want. Yeah, I popped for that one. Regardless, I am at peace with it and find myself feeling pretty good about the entire ordeal. I forgive you Marilyn, and best of luck in your life and finding whatever it is you may want from it.

On to more fun stuff!

Friday night was so kickass it wasn't funny! They opened a new bar right in the hotel and I had a blast that night, alot of my friends came out and it was great to see them. Samantha (well, let's just say that she has the same name as my ex-wife) was literally ALL over me all night long and I should have closed the deal on that one. She told me that 'I remember you from the wrestling, but I never realized that ....." and I'm like 'What?" And she goes "that you're so hot and sexy!" SWEET! LOL! That girl would NOT keep her hands of me all night long and I just enjoyed it. I laughed so many times that night and had a blast with Roy making fun of pretty much everyone, lol. Good times indeed although Mickey dropped a barstool on my foot which still hurts and Roy left the goddamn hotel room door open after he left and I woke up at 4 in the morning and it scared the living shit out of me. Good times indeed!

Saturday was just tremendous, a tremendous show. I had so much fun and got to see some friends I haven't seen in years. I took a slew of pictures and just had a blast. Me, Brad and AA intro'ed the show and people actually remembered who I was! Nice! The show was at a Boys and Girls club, and in poking around, I found a ping pong paddle sitting on the shelf. Like it was a Godsend or something! So, my gimmick throughout the night was spanking girls - hard! It was so much fun and I swear 8 or 9 diff ones felt my wrath! Wow, the goth girl was cute, wasn't she? I swear to god she might have had an orgasm after I spanked her because she looked at me like she just came and said 'ooooooooh, that's soooooooo hot." Like I said, good times indeed! I really didn't want the weekend to end, it was that much fun. I drank alot and was up till the wee hours of the morning the entire trip, but it was all in good fun. The trip back was a BITCH but hey, that's the price you pay.

So, everything is kinda getting back to normal. It's nice to be talking to Sara again and it is also nice to have closure on the Marilyn ordeal. Julia and I leave tomorrow so I don't know when I'll be updating this again. Hopefully my grandpa hangs on until then so we can see him one last time. I look forward to meeting Sara and really getting a good read on her and what she is all about.

I think that's about it.

Remember my friends: When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that.

Truer words have never been spoken. :)

My Grandpa.

Damn, I feel terrible.

It doesn't look like my grandpa is going to make it. He has his last rites administered to him last night and my dad was there all night. He is just suffering so much and things are very bleak to say the least. My grandpa led a pretty good life, but it is my dad who I am so worried about. I mean, this is NOT good for a man with so much other shit going on right now with his family. I mean, Christ, one kid has MS and he is watching him deteriorate right before his very eyes, his other kid just found out he is getting deployed to Afghanistan. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? My dad is a very emotional person as well and this is just a lot to deal with at this time for him. Christ the thought of losing him scares me so much, so I have to take it upon myself to make sure that I help him through this the very best I can. Yeah, I'm wiggin' out a little bit, can you tell?

I know I have a lot to update, but I just can't get into any of that right now.

Have a good day and please keep my dear ol grandpa and my family in your prayers. Thanks. :)

I'm BACK, baby!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

I'm back! What a GREAT GREAT trip! I had so much fun and it was so good to see lots of people I haven't seen in a long time! I partied my ass off and just had a blast! Alot of things happened over the course of the weekend but I'll be back with a huge update a little later as there is much to tell! Briefly what is going on:

My mood and confidence are SOARING after being completely super OVER with many fine young ladies this weekend! A few phone numbers and a definite missed opportunity (argh!). But ya know what? It turns out I'm pretty sexy! Who would have thunk it? lol .... The show was a complete success and the building was packed! I intro'ed the show and people actually remembered who I was! ..... I spoke with Sara on the way down and got an explanation out of her, more on this later. Looks like we're going to meet .... I saw Marilyn, and I have forgiven her. I feel really good about it and how things went. Lots to tell there .... I laughed so many times this weekend! Really good times! I ended up taking 191 pictures! Damn!!!! .... I cannot believe I saw OLD BASTARD!

On a sad note, my grandfather is in the hospital and isn't doing well at all. Ugh. My mom told me that he is trying to hang on until Julia and I arrive on Thursday, but she's not sure he is going to make it. I hope he does, I want him to see Julia before he passes away. My grandma is a mess, of course, but he lived a complete life and I hope I can see him one more time.

Back from one trip, off to another! Julia and I leave Thursday and I am CRAZY excited about it! YES!

As mentioned, I'll be back later tonight, but in the meantime, remember: it's funny how we can adore the one who ignores us, and ignore the one who adores us.