Wow.
My mind is ALLLLLLLL over the place today. We'll get to that in just one second though.
Julia and I had such a good weekend. She is SUCH a good little girl for me. SUCH a good girl! We went ice skating on Saturday and just had a blast. We made it around the rink two times this year, same as last. :) I was holding her up under her arms and then I would skate and it was like she was 'flying'. We got a few nice pictures out of it, saw Tina and Gina there, and had a pretty good time. Although I am sore as fuck today, my back is all messed up after being Jimmy Hunchback on the ice there for a while holding that kid up! By my God man, lemme tell ya, it felt GREAT to have the skates on again. I actually took notice of how good they felt on me, and I haven't felt like that in a while. Maybe it's time to skate a little more. The picture you see is actually taken above the skating rink we skated at. Not bad :)
The rest of the weekend was pretty good. Friday night her and I went to the grocery store and stocked up, Saturday was skating and then we went for a drive at night to look for houses with good Christmas lights (there really weren't too many), and today was bathtime fun and playing. I took her back to her mom's house, and she will be here tomorrow for Christmas Eve. We had a countdown going this weekend of how many days left it was until Christmas, and she woke up both mornings in my bed, which I didn't mind one bit. I told her that it makes Daddy so very happy when I open my eyes in the morning and she is there smiling at me. :) Bless her little heart. Sure it is hard sometimes being a parent by yourself (and I DID feel lonely this weekend, more on that later), but wow is it worth it. Just the way she looks at me or things she says just brighten my light and make me smile from the heart. It's amazing what your child's love can do for you.
Now onto some other stuff.
I miss Marilyn. At least I think I do.
I've been feeling really alone recently. I went out on Thursday night and got SHITFACED, I really did. First time in a while as well, I just don't drink much anymore. Sara and I got in an argument and while she is very nice and very kinky, she is very clingy and got pissed at me because I didn't talk to her when I was with my friends, and then I didn't answer my phone. I like her, I do, but I know there is no long-term potential there as I am just not super-crazy physically attracted to her. And that is a shame. But hey, I can't help that. More on this later.
So anyway, Marilyn gets my Christmas card and texts me to thank me, and of course I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. I talked to my friend from Greece and we got to talking about her old relationship that she had when she was here, and how much in love she was with him, and how our relationships paralleled each other. One of the first things she said to me is that 'passion like that only comes around once in a lifetime', and it literally scared the hell out of me. I guess that is where all this is coming from. Marilyn said the exact same thing to me the last time we saw each other, and now Caren from Greece says the exact same thing. I guess I am feeling in that I know I don't feel that way about Sara, and therefore and am going back / thinking about the one who I DID feel that way about. I'm thinking about Marilyn and wondering is she is the 'love of my life', and that is another downright scary thought. What if she is? In our subsequent texts (Marilyn and I have not spoken, it's all been thru texts), she claims that she 'cannot talk to me that often' because 'it's not good for either of us'. And she's right, lol. It's NOT. But I am afraid (and I have felt this way before) that Marilyn and I are missing out on something special. I wonder how she feels about me. Does she not love me? Does she love me but knows it is too much of a hassle (?) to be involved with me as we are so far apart? I don't know, I really don't. In retrospect, still, Marilyn has a lot of growing up to do, still sowing her wild oats so to speak (or maybe that's the kind of life she really wants), but still, I can't help thinking about her, caring about her, even though over the years we have had SO many ups and downs that it is sick. We've hurt each other (her more than me), but sometimes it just makes you stop and think, ya know? I wonder if I am actually still in love with Marilyn or actually in love with the feeling and joy of being in love. Big difference.
I really don't know what else to say. I had Julia this weekend and although she fills so many voids in my life, I still felt very alone. Sara is just so far away, and I want and need someone HERE with me. It's nice to have friends and everything, and I do have a great week planned, but my God man, I WANT someone to share my life with. Maybe the more I think about it, maybe I am just chasing the feeling of being in love than the actual person in Marilyn.
Lori is so downright cute. We hung out on Thursday and I think I am going to surprise her tomorrow and bring her / take her to lunch as she has to work and I don't. We've talked and not only are we going to watch the PSU bowl game together on Saturday, my friend Bob's band is playing and Lori is having a few friends in town as well. So, lol, it turns out it'll be me and 5 girls on Saturday night watching the game and going to see the band upstairs afterwards. THAT should be fun, lol. Oh, and it turns out Lori is going to have New Years' Party as well, which is perfect. And with Ali coming to town and her and I and Tina going out on Tuesday, yeah, it should be a pretty good week. Hopefully, one way or another, something good (yes, that kind of good) will come from this week with all this female interaction. But you know what they say: when you are looking for love it never finds you. Jesus. Looking for love. What a pussy I am. Or a romantic. Or an idiot. How about all three?
I'm going to go see National Treasure: Book of Secrets tonight. Should be cool. Six bucks man, can't be it. Yes, alone.
2008 is going to be the best year of my life. More on this later.
Remember: Friendship often ends in love, but love never ends in friendship.
