It was so good to see my best friend! Seeing Julia always makes me feel better. I picked her up from school and we came here, put our bathing suits on and headed to the beach! It was beautiful outside today and I figured I could use some sunshine, plus I knew she would have a blast. We went to McDonalds first - "through the Drive Thru daddy!" - and I got her a happy meal with fries and of course chocolate milk and cut it up for her in the car. She ate and drank on the way over and we got a good spot close to the water, which was high. She dug and got messy in the sand and we played and ran and just had a blast. She told me on the way home that she 'didn't wanna go to mommy's new house, I wanna go to Peanut's house". Wow, that just filled my heart. I told her all about the weekend we have planned (friday to the mall for ginger's birthday gift, saturday ginger's party). So, she goes "No, Dad, I wanna go to ToysRUs instead." And it kinda surprised me. So I asked her 'Why?" And she goes, bless her heart, "because then, after ToysRUs, we can go to the treehouse McDonalds! Is THAT a good idea?" LOL! I popped so hard for it, because it was totally her idea, and she remembered. Actually put one over on me. (The McDonalds with the treehouse is by both the toysrus and the mall.) So, I told her it really was a good idea so after toysrus (I'm going to look for the movie Aladdian for Ginger as she mentioned something about it this weekend), I'll take the little Peanut to McDonalds. The TREEHOUSE McDonalds! :)
She really brightened my day but damn does it suck to see her go. I watched her run into the house the last few steps and she was like "Justin! Justin!" (my ex-wife's new husband. Oh did I mention they also moved as well? I wonder if they did it both in the same weekend..... Anyway, their place is nice. Just tough seeing Julia run in there yelling his name, ya know?
I made a doctor's appointment today. My old doc retired so I am meeting with a new one for a general checkup and some of my anxious issues. I had a REAL tough day today emotionally, actually left work early as I couldn't stand it. I broke down just fucking sobbing on the side of the road, couldn't stop. I called my mom and told her that I needed help and she told me to 'get my dupa' to the doctor. I was literally a few feet away so I did. I was a fucking mess and I guess it showed because my appt is tomorrow at 9:30am. I'm just gonna shoot with her. It's obvious that I am having some kind of breakdown upstairs recently and well it's probably reflected here. I feel I need something not so much to level me out, but to bring up the downs. I don't know. We'll see tomorrow. I'm glad I am going.
I haven't heard from Marilyn in any way, shape or form since Saturday. And although Saturday and today were the shits, I've had a couple of good days in there. I know the potential is there, I just need help with well, being sad. I told my mom today that there alot of changes I am trying to digest, but none of those changes are physical ones, ones that you can see. It's a broken heart (and realizing it's not going to be), it's my ex-wife getting married, it's Brad and his wife leaving him (as that just brought back a lot of bad memories), it's just changes. Everything physically has stayed the same, my physical environment so to speak, it's just a lot of changes in my mind. Big difference.
My mom told me that I need to start focusing on the more positive things going on, and she's right. I got a big raise, I am the best dad I know, I'm looking better (sort of), my daughter adores me, I have a few good other relationships/friends, and that is stuff I should be proud of, and things I should be building off of. I really think that the doctor and science can give me that boost to focus more on those positive things. I guess I know what I want, and want it quickly. Patience, my worst attribute. Although I must say I've gotten a lot better. Being a single dad will do that to you! :)
I've rambled on long enough. Tomorrow is another day, and will be a better one. Good night all.
