Well I headed out for a few hours and got some shit done (the fuckin dry cleaners? are you kidding me? 42.00!) and then headed over to my friend Jon's house to watch the Red Sox playoff game. Had a good time and it was good to get out.
I sang my ass off on the way home! A perfect match of a few beers and the right amount of cigarettes puts me right on key! "Doctor My Eyes" and "This Love" were the selections of the ride home.
I miss Julia so much and cannot wait to see her tomorrow. My rough week/end was made even worse I haven't seen the kid in a week, and I cannot remember the last time it's been that long while she was still here. Probably since I moved here, never. I miss her! :(
I've come to the realization that I thought about Marilyn WAYYYY too much this past weekend, and halfheartedly, with good reason. Alot of reflection and drunken deep thought and I have come to the realization that I know I need to severe lines of communication with her, although I think I am going to wait to see her person to do that. I wanna look her in the eye when I do it. I have to do it for myself because well, it's just not healthy for me all around. I'm just heartbroken. I can't worry about what she is doing, who she is doing, how she is partying. Besides, that's not what I want right now anyway. She's not ready. She's not ready for the life I want -- in many, many ways -- and I don't know if she ever will be. I'm just so physically attracted to her sometimes I just ignore those facts. I LOVE her, but christ, sometimes I wonder why I do. If she ever, well, grows up, was actually divorced, didn't need so much attention from others (men) and didn't party so much, oh - and also learn how to treat a significant other - then well, ya never know. But in rereading that last sentence, I mean, Jesus, lol, it's downright laughable. Do I honestly expect her to change all of that? Sheesh! Christ, though, it breaks my heart. It really does. Her and I could have a wonderful amazing life. But I realize that I am NEVER going to be able to move on if I don't do this. A kinda "Look me up a few years down the road" kinda break-up, to see, well, if any of the above changes have actually taken place. No need really though, as someone with money who parties will sweep her off her feet. She'll become a parent and the dude will keep on partying hard, bolt, find someone else, playing playstation (lol), and/or her life will be miserable with this clown someway. He'll probably will be able to make her cum (and that will seal the deal right there, as I am the only one she can cum with, hence, why she keeps me around). Once she finds the money / partying / cumming combo (hell, you can even add swinging in there because that'll feed her need for other men), then I'll be just a memory. Then it'll all turn to shit, someway, somehow, and then that'll be that. That big, incredibly huge bag of karma that's hanging over her head will finally explode. It'll hit her like a ton of bricks one day when she's a single mom or in a terrible worthless loveless marriage and think of what her and I had. And by that time, I'll be long gone. She'll realize how bad she fucked up. And she'll think about it often. Like Wendy. Oh well. Her loss.
This love HAS taken it's toll on me, she's said goodbye too many times before.
