Ya know, I can sit here and write about only the positive experiences or thoughts going on in my life, but that really doesn't give a true indicator of what is going on, especially in my head, right? So here we go.
It's been a "Two steps forward, one step back" kinda weekend. And it's only Sunday morning.
I realize I'm still hurting from my broken heart, and although I am doing everything in my power to get over it, it's extremely difficult.
On the outside, I had a pretty good weekend so far. Tina and I hung out on Friday night and had a lot of fun, just talking and clowning around. Last night, I went out with my friend John and a few friends downtown to see a band and was out pretty late. I joined a famous 'adult' personals site over the weekend and the emails and responses to my profile and picture I have received already have been quite the ego boost. Angelina and I are meeting for dinner tomorrow night. I'm going to be taking some very sexy pictures soon with Cameron. All looks good, right?
Not really. I just feel really alone. I sat in that bar last night and realized that I really just don't know too many people here in this town. I felt out of place, which I was, hanging with a bunch of 25 year olds. Hmmmm. I kept thinking about Julia, and how much I miss her. I thought about Tina, wishing she was with me so we could have some fun. I thought about Marilyn, and the good times we had. Physically, on the outside, everything was fine. Inside, I was a total wreck.
Things are going good for me, they really are. I guess I just had one of those days/nights where I just couldn't pull it all together. It's a slow process, this healing, but I am getting there. I was so in love with Marilyn, so in love, and it's difficult to reprogram yourself differently. It's always a work-in-progress. I'm trying to be patient and let the chips fall where they may but damn, it's hard sometimes. I'm tired of being alone and want someone to share my life with. But, then again, I refuse to settle. Now that I think about it, refusing to settle probably means that I am protecting myself, so to speak, protecting my heart because goddamn, I sure don't want it broken again.
As far as Marilyn goes, I think I am doing pretty good. Sure I think about her and shit like that, but I've avoided all contact, and quickly bury any stupid thoughts of contacting her. It's only been a week, man, a week since we stopped talking. Sometimes I am tempted, tempted to visit her stupid MySpace, tempted to look at our old pictures, but I stay strong and just avoid it. I'm proud of myself for that, damn proud. It's OK to think about her because of course it is natural, but any -- ANY -- reminder (?) of her that I initiate is just hurting myself, and that I am fully aware of. So I stay strong and don't do it. Plus, I know that she isn't thinking about me, so that helps, as she's too busy with Wart and her drugs and her partying and all of her other excellent life decision making. I know it will get easier with time.
How quickly things change. I just got back from outside and talking with Tina, and her and Gina (her daughter) and I are going to watch the football games together today. Tina also hinted that she will be alone tonight as Gina is spending the night at a friend's house. Hmmmmmmm. Like I said, I desperately don't want to blow this, so I must play my cards carefully and really think about if I want to make a move at this particular time, and if so, how I should go about doing it. We shall see, that will be food for thought today.
Have a great day everyone. Go Eagles! :)
